1. Value system and religious beliefs
It is important to talk about your value system and religious beliefs before you get married. This is especially important for couples who want to raise children together. Your unique value system as individuals will influence how you raise your children and if you prescribe to a specific faith or religion then it is vital you are both on the same page when it comes to deciding whether or not your children will be raised in the same faith, which religious holidays, rituals and rights are important to you and how you will experience and celebrate these special times.
Asking each other these questions and understanding how these beliefs and values will affect your life together will avoid any uncomfortable conversions later on.
If you value spending time with family and/or are part of a large family then considering how you and your spouse balance family time and family expectations is crucial. Domineering parents, interfering in-laws and needy siblings can place unnecessary stress on a couple – work together to make one another a priority and balance family time and family expectations.
2. Finances and your careers
Two things newly married couples argue about, and a common cause of stress and tension, is finances and demanding careers.
How finances are structured and who is responsible for specific financial obligations is simple to decide on and can give both partners reassurance and confidence in one another as they work to achieve their individual and collective career and lifestyle goals.
This can include things like managing a joint account, reviewing and balancing monthly expenses and deciding on long term savings and investments. If one of you is a spender and the other is a saver, choose amounts you can each realistically set aside for future big ticket purchases and retirement savings. Remember it is important to live within your means and remember to be reasonable and communicate often as expenses do fluctuate.
3. Deciding to have and raise children
If it hasn’t already come up, now’s the time to discuss whether you want children and if both of you have the intention to have children, knowing how many children you would like and when you would like to have them is really important.
It is also a good idea to discuss if your partner is open to adoption in case there is a chance you cannot fall pregnant or if adoption is something you would like to pursue. You also need to be on the same page once you have children – what are your views on parenting, discipline and education, would you consider moving to a different location or even country for the benefit of your children and what part your parents and families will play in raising your children and supporting your family as you grow together.
4. Handling arguments
Arguments are inevitable, but the best way forward is understanding your partner’s preferred or natural way of managing conflict – here I also recommend researching and getting to know one another’s love language.
Setting some ground rules can help to avoid small arguments from spiralling. For example, try to avoid having tough conversations or resolving issues after 8pm when you’re both tired and have had a busy day. Decide early on what counts as acceptable behaviour during an argument and what is off limits.
It is okay to disagree on the little things. People are going to disagree about how to run a household every now and again, nobody agrees on chores all the time and nobody likes to clean a bathroom but everyone likes a clean bathroom 😉 These are the types of things that people can, if they work on their communication style, work through with ease.
5. Deal breakers and bucket lists
Deal Breakers
If there is something you know that drives you nuts, it is better to chat about it before you tie the knot. For example, let your partner know that you won’t tolerate it if he/she likes to flirt. Cheating is a deal breaker for most.
Maybe one of you like to hit the mall and blow your budget on expensive clothes and jewellery. Setting some hard boundaries will give your partner an indication when they’re about to overstep.
Bucket lists
Planning holidays, trips, sporting and lifestyle goals together can be incredibly rewarding for a couple and you should both schedule regular time to plan so you can look forward to enjoying special time together. For bigger goals like possibly living in another country or becoming and entrepreneur and owning your own business, it is crucial that you and your partner are on the same page about your life goals, dreams and aspirations.
It is okay to disagree on your hobbies and pastimes. If your partner isn’t into one of your hobbies at all, you can continue to do it on your own. The key is making sure you’re both okay with how much time you spend apart, which is a normal and healthy part of any relationship.
Learning to work as a team, trusting one another, relying on one another and making big decisions together will be part of your life forever. Remember a marriage signifies a commitment and celebration to building an incredibly strong relationship with the person you have chosen to spend the rest of your life with.
